If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
