Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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