my sisters under your porch take her home
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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