I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
