Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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