I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
