The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
