ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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