i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
