you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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