If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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