Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Randomize