I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
