Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
