I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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