I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
