she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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