Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
