saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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