My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
