I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
