She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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