My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
