dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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