im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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