Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
