Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
