My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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