Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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