Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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