What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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