you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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