Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
