the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize