I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
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