my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
