i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
