glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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