you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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