All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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