.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
