I murdered the dance floor call the cops
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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