Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize