got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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