Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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