Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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