can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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