I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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