So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
