My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
