She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
