If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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