He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize