I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
