she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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