if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
