hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
