i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
