You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
