I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize