oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
