you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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